From my aging Gentoo laptop 

roy@uberlaptop ~ $ emerge-1 portage
!!! Unable to parse profile: '/etc/make.profile'
!!! ParseError: Profile contains unsupported EAPI '5': '/usr/portage/profiles/default/linux/x86/13.0/eapi'
!!! Your current profile is invalid. If you have just changed your profile
!!! configuration, you should revert back to the previous configuration.
!!! Allowed actions are limited to--help,--info,--search,--sync, and
!!!--version.
roy@uberlaptop ~ $

Asking for help in a secret Gentoo IRC channel… 

10:57 < bonsaikitten> rsmarples: ah, it's so old that you want to update
                      portage, best to use binpkgs
10:57 < rsmarples> *blinks*
10:57 < bonsaikitten> http://packages.gentooexperimental.org/packages/ # my
                      emergency supply of binpkgs
10:57 < bonsaikitten> the minimal set to get portage working again, afair, is
                      glibc+gcc+binutils+python+portage
10:58 < rsmarples> i should just need portage yes?
10:58 < bonsaikitten> yes, but that need python-2.7
10:58 < bonsaikitten> and my python binpkgs are too new and rely on a newer
                      glibc
10:59 < bonsaikitten> if you have python-2.7 there's a good chance that only
                      portage is needed
11:00 < rsmarples> .....
11:01 < bonsaikitten> what :)
11:01 < bonsaikitten> you didn't update for around ... 2 years? maybe 3?
11:01 < bonsaikitten> and our support horizon is currently between 6 months and
                      a year
11:01 < bonsaikitten> the binpkg method is the most painless way to punch a
                      machine forward

Lets just say the the chances of me coming back to working on Gentoo went from small to zero.